And sometimes, we live more in our memories then we live outside. Is it really truly possible to know someone, understand them fully as they are? Or is it just a misguided notion or a loss process we work though when broken?
How do you ever recover from a loss that is breathing, alive and maybe with you? Few therapists suggest, you need to work through your grief, your brokenness to get closure. You need to go through prescribed stages of mourning in order to heal.
Sad as it is, being still in love deeply to have the same relationship devastate you. Sure, with time, the intensity of how you feel, lessens, you learn to distract yourself with other things, but does it leave you? I don’t think so. It gnaws at your bones…somedays slowly as your unshed tears, somedays sharply as you wake up early and feel the knife like pangs of loneliness slice you. You look at the back turned next to you breathing and the futility of it all fills you. Again.
We cannot erase emotional memory, we can partially bury grief related feelings by fooling the mind, but the emotional triggers are deeper and it’s hard to control them. As per research, emotional triggers are often linked with dates, events in order for our memory to remind us. For the happy memories, it’s fine but for the painful one’s, the mind tries to do the opposite of what the memory is doing – not remember or suppress them – which makes the process hard.
How do you know enough is enough, how much is enough? How much are we supposed to damage ourselves, reach a place where even the broken pieces are just shards that cannot be put together…The mind accepts and knows it’s not healthy and maybe this kind of love exists in the pages of Murakami – but the heart still is not done. And worse, the knowledge of knowing that maybe you will never be done.
So, what do we do in a situation like this without damaging ourselves further?
Put it down. Put the weight down – let it be. Don’t snuff the embers with your shoe or pour water on them. Let them cool. And while the hurt rests, allow it to breathe, validate it gently, acknowledge the pain. Don’t be in a rush to walk away from it. Do other things. Don’t obsess about the intensity of what you felt, or how right it should feel.
Just let it be.
Tough conversations are important. Change has to be brought about in order for things to be better. You will have to choose. If the love feels true in your gut and at the bottom of your soul, know, there’s still more work. There are triggers that are deep seated in both people that need work. Saying, you’re tired or exhausted each time the trigger comes up, will make you go round and round like a ferret on a wheel.
In the end , be peaceful with the choices you make. A balance is being asked for from you. Understand your conditioning, your childhood wiring stemming out of need to please or to operate from guilt. It has to come from a place within you that recognises you are will to make adjustments not for others but because you want them to. For yourself.
Do your affirmations:
To let go of past hurts, fears and negativities which are reflecting in this relationship.
To heal this relationship with love and forgiveness.
To open your heart to love and change.
You can’t sacrifice yourself and your happiness for others and even if you were too, there are no guarantees that your relationship will work. Practice, operating from love, and a willingness to help. Leave fear out.