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When You Abandon Life…..

I pray you’ll be our eyes and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to the place guide us with your grace

When stars go out each night, you are eternal star
Let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our day
How much faith there’s, Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day, Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe.
– (The Prayer )

The thing about untimely death is, it leaves you suspended. I seem to be losing people I love, cared for deeply – leave. Just like that. It’s as though my prayer list seems to be getting longer. I recently lost someone, who at one time was extended family. Time passed, alcohol managed to undo what years of caring could not hold. And just like that, in a small accident – he gave up on life…a life which I recall, being fulfilling, happy in spurts, but pulling along nonetheless. The thing with alcohol or any addiction is – it gnaws you till your bones – it leaves nothing. It can destroy you and the people involved if you haven’t soght professional help. More importantly, if, as a family you’ve not been strong together or not have been supported – it tears everyone up. A person with addiction requires a strong army of people who recognise that they have to stay committed for life to the person suffering. Everyone should be willing to chip in not letting just one person get crushed under the weight of being responsible. It may seem like a tall ask…but really it isn’t.

It left me wondering, does life abandon us…or do we choose to abandon life? While, I love reading about people who survived against odds – rose from the ashes, fought against odds and got a grip of their lives…but I wonder about those who didn’t…does life give up on them? What happens when for the enth time you are knocked down and you don’t have the strength to lift your head? What happens when you know, that you are deeply addicted and people around you are sick of helping you..are generally sick of you? Besides being shamed, how many people come forward and help?

Yes, somewhere, you do abandon yourself.

Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important. You are not valued.” This is the pain from which people need to heal. I don’t have the answers, but, I do know that, life cannot choose to abandon you since you are life in itself. Yes, the person suffering has to recognise and be willing to accept that space of acceptance…which can only happen with time.

There are some of us who need compassion and understanding more than the rest. If we can have the courage to keep shame aside and seek help, maybe there will be less broken people in this world.

May we all have timely wisdom to recognise this.

July Full Moon In Capricorn : Power Struggles & Transformation

July full moon in Capricorn will highlights power struggles in relationships. Like the cardinal cross tussel, you can expect different areas of your life at polarities with each other. The time you spend at work versus the time you spend at home. Your heart versus your head. Try and keep your ego in check. Over analysing situations, working yourself up to an emotional mess are to watch out for. Like all full moon’s this moon too, is a a powerhouse of building up on inner tensions which would demand a release.
Focus on channelising your energy for changing challenging situations in your life that may have formed a pattern. Waiting for the “right” time to change could be the biggest mistake you could be convincing yourself of. Use your inner strength to transform pain bodies in your life.

Depending on the placement of your chart where the full moon will be highlighting the specific area of your life, resist the urge to control the outcome of a certain situation.

In your relationships, if there has been disharmony or constant conflict, then maybe it’s a time to look at your own conditioning closely. Try not to hang on to people from the past or your previous relationships either with a sense of regret or guilt. Rather than be overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness, allow awareness to come in and let balance prevail. Some of you may feel manipulated, controlled or find people close to you guilt tripping and blaming you for it. Use this time to surround yourself with positive influences, nurture yourself, take time to meditate.

Since the July full moon is in Capricorn, which is only a degree away from Pluto,the planet of unearthing deeper feelings and intensity and often transforms only through destruction and renewal. This is as powerful as a full moon can get. Emotions are already high at a full moon but now they become all-powerful, all-consuming.

Try not to be come obsessed with how you are feeling. However, some of you may have powerful dreams – keep a journal at hand. Your intuitions could be right but your judgment could be impaired.

Change is imperative, whether you seek it or it’s forced upon you. The goal is to transform your patterns and not be resistant.

Allow your soul to grow so you may lead a better, aware life.

Pet Therapy And Your Emotional Health

Those of us who own pets know they make us happy. And thankfully, a growing body of scientific research is showing that our pets are good for our emotional well being.

I have forever had a dog and despite the inevitable heart break, this has been an never ending love affair. Whether you are dealing with depression or anxiety, pets have a way of calming you down. One study even indicates that when people with borderline hypertension adopted dogs from a shelter, their blood pressure declined significantly within five months.

Research also indicates, when dealing with stressful situations at work or home  playing with your pet can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine, which calm and relax. Research indicates, pet owners have lower triglyceride and cholesterol levels (indicators of heart disease) than those without pets.

Besides your emotional well being, they also take care of your physical well being. They get you going, allowing you to blow off pent up stress and relax, distracting you from situations/ things you could be battling with and forcing you to be in the present.

While, pets are miracle mood enhancers, do ensure that you are taking care of them and not just using them to entertain you temporarily and then abandon them. Don’t scream/ shout at them, pets especially dogs are hyper sensitive about our moods. It’s like having a child at home. Imagine the emotional trauma you could cause to a being who is voiceless and unable to express his anxiety. In fact, pets can teach you emotional discipline with their unconditional love. If you see you dog hiding behind couches or going in another room and hiding – it’s a sure red flag for you not to have a pet.

Every time you walk through your door they will be as enthusiastic as they were when you first got them. Caring for your pets is extremely rewarding for your emotional health. With growing children in the house, pets can encourage expressing love, being responsible and being a kind human – which goes a long way in bringing up emotionally healthy adults.

Try and get a pet from the shelter, they make excellent companions. They teach you that though life is short, all you can do is love unconditionally and be grateful.

How Needy Are You?

“Don’t be needy, you will ruin your relationship” and “I can’t handle her neediness” or “needy people need to see a shrink”,  how often have we heard this from our friends, read on different blogs, contradicting theories on being needy.

In another perspective, people fear that if they respond to their partners’ emotional needs, then their partners will become more dependent and keep wanting more. To avoid this fear, they push  their partners away.

There is research showing just the opposite—that if a partner is responsive to dependency needs, the partner functions more autonomously likely because they feel more secure.  As human beings, we are wired to depend on one another. As humans, we like connecting with other people whether to listen or to be heard. Being on our own has the possibility of hampering our emotional growth.  As someone wise said, “You can’t be human all by yourself.”

Wanting to connect and attached is often confused with a person who is emotionally dependent and cannot think or feel for themselves. The shaming which gets done on a regular basis as simple as saying, “why don’t you get your sh** together”,  is used  conversationally, not realising the damage of insecurity it increases. There is no shame in needing your partner or loved one to be there for you in a relationship. If your partner feels awkward about your vulnerability or shames your need to be loved wholly, accepting as you are without pretences, you might want to take another look at your relationship.

The truth is, at some point or the other, we have all dealt with regret, emptiness and  self-hatred in our lives. Whether we accept it or resist, we want to be heard, to be accepted and to be understood.

Accept that you are someone who wants to rely on others, wants to trust, wants to love and be loved as deeply and authentically as possible….which will require you to bare your soul and be vulnerable. Ignore the naysayers who insist,  you have to be a perfect, highly functioning human being before you even consider entering into a relationship.

It’s the biggest myth of all….no one is perfect… ever.

You can rationalise your need for space, for doing your own thing on your own, but, people need loving relationships to thrive.

To my credit, I’ve understood few basic things. I understand that it’s pointless to be needy with people with whom you can’t be yourself…people who are not comfortable accepting who you are. My caustic sense of humour has helped me get by as has been my ability to write. That’s the thing about not dealing with your core – your inner being, you forget to take care of yourself – on what works for you, what makes you happy. You get so focused on the other persons needs that you forget you have any needs to begin with.

Sadly, all this does is, develop relationships which are fine on the surface, but if you were to scratch them, they fall apart. The fear to hide your true self, behind the easy, fun to get along with, low key intensity – works for everybody. So, you learn not to dive in too deep in relationships, skirt around the boundaries and emotions. After all, who wants a intense, complex person on their hands? The fear of letting out your neediness and the frustration which by now could have converted to anger is repressed constantly. Don’t let it out, stay cool, stay easy…that’s what people can deal with. Right?

What if I were to tell you, there are people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and work with you on whatever it is that you need? Whether it was fear of abandonment, love – whatever you needed as a child or in during a bad relationship and didn’t receive.

Practice being real, with those few. Even if you feel stupid, incapable of a deep relationship (could be childhood neglect or result of bad relationships) have the courage to open yourself up – bit by bit. People who can see through your  bravado, bluster, and pain will hold you close.

Always remember, all you need is compassion and someone who can appreciate you for you are. You are just asking to be seen, heard, validated. And not just general appreciation. Specific appreciation helps, maybe your ability to write beautifully, your wit. Most importantly, your partners ability to reassure you on a regular basis that you will not be abandoned and the fact that love will stay.

No one enjoys or wants to be ‘needy. To deny a need is to deny a fact. By pure definition, it’s an absolute requirement. Need, not ‘want.’ I have never heard people say, ‘you’re want-y.’ Whether we accept it or not, we all have needs, which have to be acknowledged and it helps to know what they are.

Let’s not shame, scoff or worse ignore the loneliness and brokenness. Let’s accept and embrace the knowledge that we are capable of feeling isolated. Let not fear of loss of a relationship stop us to share our  stories and ourselves.