Tag Archives: Transformation

The Truth About Vulnerability

\ vul•ner•a•ble: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or being open to attack or damage. \

The bitter truth about being vulnerable is: it’s misunderstood. Remember the times, you were asked to get your sh*t together, get a grip of your life and reminded how old you were etc etc…

Being vulnerable is a strength few people understand and accept. Those who get overwhelmed by it look at it as a weakness, repulsed or embarrassed by the emotions they witness.

The truth is courage and vulnerability go hand in hand. Each cannot exist without the other.

However, do be careful as to who you share it with. People are often not comfortable dealing with complex emotions and instead of feeling supported,  you may end up feeling guilty about your feelings or develop feelings of shame or low self esteem.  You are also not a nut job if you share  your insecurities or sadness … all you are doing is looking for empathy and love.

According to Dr. Brown, disengagement is the most dangerous factor that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to avoid this is to risk being vulnerable with your partner by asking for help, standing up for yourself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in yourself and your partner.

I am a big believer of therapy. If your partner is closed to your vulnerability, seek a therapist. Get counselling done. We all need a hand to hold in our moments of darkness and there is no glory in suffering alone.

Take care of yourself , be courageous, be accountable for your own inner well being. And stop apologising for yourself.

5 Signs Your Relationship Is For Keeps

We often look at love as the elixir that will save us from life. We get romantically involved and at times, more often than not, bad relationships make us wonder whether a certain relationship is “the one”?

Here are signs that the relationship is for keeps.

Respect

Yes, this is right above love, above everything else. Let me put it simply, if there’s basic respect towards each other – your relationship is for keeps. If there are tell tale signs of humiliating each other – even during fights it won’t last. You need to watch how you are treated during a fight. Does your partner respect boundaries or do they throw everything in the heat of the moment and burn the village down in their anger. If you cannot respect each other’s insecurities especially during a fight, you will fuel insecurity and a lack of trust in your relationship.

Friendship

The core of any relationship is being friends with each other and valuing that friendship above all. If you can laugh at yourself,  have the comfort of sharing your deepest self with your partner without feeling threatened, the relationship is for keeps. Whether you spend time doing nothing together or having the comfort of being in the same house yet doing your own thing, whether you are watching TV and your partner is reading a book are signs of a healthy and comfortable relationship.

Acceptance

If you can understand a simple concept, that your partner is different from you and it is not your life mission to change them – half your battle is won. Constructive feedback is great but if your partner is not open to any sort of feedback and is defensive or blows up every time you try and bring a non acceptable behaviour – take a look at your relationship again.  If you cannot wear your heart on your sleeve and are criticised for irrational things it’s a red flag. To put it simply,  a healthy relationship is where the couple accept each other and are not trying to create a mirror image of themselves.

Open Communication

If you able to have difficult conversations, without your partner walking off in a huff in between – you have a winner.  If you don’t have to think twice before saying anything and and feel you are  not walking on a land mine,  the relationship is for keeps. Couples who plan their future together, and work together to make them into a realty,  value each other. Planning a meaningful journey together and be able to have conversations around it are signs of healthy teamwork.

Trust

“Trust is a choice to be available, vulnerable and transparent in a relationship, because the person you’re trusting has proven worthy of your partnership through consistency in their honesty, integrity and dependability.”
Trust is much more than an instinct or a gut feel, people often confuse love and forgiveness with trust, while these can be given freely,  trust needs to be earned on merit alone. Relationships which have a consistent pattern, where the partners show up for each other and are consistent will weather many storms.

3 Ways To Untangle Your Life

Have Faith In The Process:

We all go through painful situations in life that can make us feel stuck. The situation may feel like an unending tunnel without any light at the end. Times such as these you need to hold on to the faith of it being a process of sifting before clarity emerges. Not accepting what’s happening and feeling a sense of futility will not make it go away. Remember to love yourself during this process, accept and embrace for what’s happening. Self hatred and guilt ridden thoughts have to be kept at bay consciously, by reminding yourself, you did what you could in the situation. (provided you have)

Know that it’s temporary:

Unfortunately, happiness tends to make time fly, while sadness and challenging times seem to drag. While going through tough times, resist the urge to be drawn in others drama or negativity. If your relationship is difficult, resist the urge to engage in petty discussions and focus on how you are feeling. Only being true to your emotions can give you clarity on where to move ahead in your relationship.

Set a goal:

Whether it is to write a book, change your job or get fit – identify it and then stick to it like your life depends on it. Setting goals can be a constructive practice. There is enough and more research done on the effects on the positives of goal setting to maintain a emotional happier and healthier life. Being happy takes requires discipline and hard work, and goal setting is one part of the equation. Whether the goal is short-term, you need to define specific and actionable steps that you can take in order to reach your goals.

Try and ensure your goals are difficult enough to motivate you and hold your interest but not so laborious that you realistically have no chance of achieving them.

Gone Too Soon….

Like A Comet, Blazing ‘Cross The Evening Sky 
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow, Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Like The Loss Of Sunlight, On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle, Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon (MJ) 

I think in a way we always grieve. About our innocence, about loving fiercely, carelessly and about losing people we love dearly too early to death.

I accept that many things in life are a mystery and maybe there is peace in accepting things as there are. We  can have lengthy theological discussions about God, his existence or even question the “higher power” and have endless debates on why good people need to suffer and the evil one’s get away with murder. Do people who die young or in bizarre accidents or illnesses didn’t deserve to live longer? Do people who live long lives have some unfinished business from the past? Karma? Are things “meant to be”?

Maybe some of us are destined to live longer as our soul still needs to evolve more, learn more lessons, be it through challenging family or work situations….maybe people who die young were evolved souls …maybe they taught us quickly or left us in a space which forced our soul growth or evolvement. Maybe we would have never been ready if these people had not touched our lives or transformed us in some way.  This is very likely.

When people experience a near death experience, it makes them look at life with a totally different perspective. They tend to do a sifting of what’s important and what’s not and start focussing on doing things they love. It’s not strange to find people post this experience to give up their high flying careers and pursue a path of pure happiness. I call it the “soul walk” Cliched as it may be, the realisation that there is a price to pay for each extra buck that is earned and what we are losing along the way cannot be replaced again, can be a very humbling experience. So, in a  way, near death or traumatic experiences are good in a twisted way. They set us free.  They remove the fear of how we are perceived. It becomes easier to shed pretences, not be worried about tags, societal pressures and pursue a life which is in sync with the soul.

For me, losing someone drove me to push myself to connect within myself and listen closely to what my soul wanted. There are times, when I do feel I can’t see the path ahead clearly, but through my darkest and challenging times I have formed the deepest bond with myself. I no longer ignore the voice inside, I know it has held me in good faith – in fact at times, that is all I had.

When we learn to move away from fear, feel free to pursue what we love, connect with people authentically and change the negative experience to self growth, we create a space of happiness.

I don’t think death is a terrible thing…yes, the loss it creates for the people it leaves behind can be devastating and even debilitating . But if, what if we were to consider,  that a soul is just here for an x period of time doing it’s chosen task… whether it was something that it had come to learn or that it had come to share. Maybe,  that soul chose to be in your life for just that short time, so it could enrich you for the rest of yours… Maybe that was the only goal of that soul…

Grieving, I feel should be embraced, accepted and not shamed or shunned. When people near you grieve, rather than feel incredulous on their inability after so many years of still grieving, empathise. We shouldn’t be made to feel bad about a loss that happened years back. Of course, one should not be in a constant state of mourning or not be connected with the present. Acceptance in fact is a state of being in the present, in the now.

We all seek happiness through some form of perfection in our lives and at times the perfection becomes the journey and the goal. The truth is, life doesn’t always give you what you think you want. Life does give you some truly wonderful opportunities and some average one’s….but true happiness is entirely dependent on the experience you are choosing to respond with.

 

Are You With A Soulmate Or A Wound mate?

We often get confused between our soulmate and wound mate. One operates out of love and another ego. It can be amazingly confusing as signals received from both can be similar. A strong soul connection, coupled with an electrifying chemistry can confuse the best of us. The lessons unfortunately can be both, beautiful and tragic at the same time.

A wound mate is often your own splitting image, carrying their hurts, unsorted emotional scarring from childhood or from repetitive toxic relationships, they become your partners in crime. Misery loves company as do wound mates. You feel connected through pain, grief and at times just the plain old feeling of constant unsupported or unloved. Unfortunately, neither of these partners survive the relationship or can hope of building a strong foundation as the sensitivities can always be at an high with neither willing to heal.

 

The more light gets shone on our dark places, the more we realise corners that have not been dusted or some simply been ignored over the years, stuff we thought we had sorted – now seems to lie scattered on the floor. What may have been a daunting task in the past now seems impossible. Constantly being ridiculed about our grief or scars helps non one heal but just open the wound again and again. With constant criticism, it becomes very hard to trust wound partners or bare your authentic self to them. The unfortunate thing with a wound mate is, over a period of time you start wearing a mask, as your darker side is uncomfortable to deal with. Until, both partners commit to operate from a place of empathy and fearlessness, this kind of a relationship is often a waste of emotions and energy for all you would do is press constant triggers in each other and keep the wounds in focus.

 

A soul mate interestingly does not necessarily save you in the traditional way, they guide you through narrow paths, giving you your own torch, enabling you. They don’t accuse you of having wound, but on seeing your scars tenderly patch them by giving you another perspective. They will create space for you, listen to you without prejudice, seldom mocking or assuming the worst of you. You are allowed to unpack your baggage. No lengthy explanations required on what you said and what you meant…for they always view you with trust.

If the ego is always in control, constantly dominating, it becomes hard for the wound mate to convert into a soulmate. Breaking down of the ego and establishing a soul connect is though hard but fulfilling work. It is important to recognise that when we constantly feel threatened, rejected we have entered into a relationship which would require considerable work and empathy towards your partner. Love is the most powerful healer, but you need to allow the love seep in the nooks and crevices of areas that hurt which may not always be as easy as it sounds but it’s not impossible.

 

 

 

Are You An Emotional Bully?

“Authentic love does not de-value another human being”

“Man, I can’t talk to you about anything.”
“You just don’t get it, do you? I left my last relationship just because of this drama.”
“I’m not going to talk about this with you. ”
“Just drop it. I’m tired of this conversation.”

Let’s look at the case of *Sheena and Vikas. “It’s as though I am walking on egg shells around him and my feelings and emotions are seldom validated…I have tried talking various times with him but we’re unable to discuss the sensitive topics. I feel stuck and confused most of the time…as though it’s my fault though I know deep down it isn’t. I am forever accused of being over sensitive and refusing to change as per him.”

If this sounds familiar, welcome to the club of emotional abuse. A syndrome we don’t dream of attaching in our closest relationships for we don’t imagine our loved one’s would manipulate us. Emotional bullying is often confused under the garb of being branded as “hyper sensitive”, not being a good sport, using sarcasm often, painful things from the past dragged and the decisions made then questioned, making excuses for bad behaviour etc. If you’re constantly having your flaws pointed out and criticized, and being punished with withdrawal both emotionally and physically, all is not well at Eden.

Emotional abuse is far more hurtful than physical abuse because the scars are deeper and longer lasting. This type of abuse wears away at a person’s sense of self and causes the person to stop trusting their own perceptions. It becomes like a mind-game. Over time, the abused person has such low self-esteem that they start to blame themselves for the abuse. It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant reaction, as well as more subtle tactics like shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves. They didn’t learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless. When someone plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, or values to get what they want, they are emotionally abusing you.

When people constantly cross your personal boundaries despite repeated requests shows not only a complete lack of respect but also a need to control others.

No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. We need to go easy on ourselves and on others instead of constantly judging and embarrassing each other. The beauty of a relationship is in the fact that despite all your flaws, your partner chooses to see the best in you. Additionally, they help you work through them. If your partner keeps reacting and accusing with no intention of helping you find a way to better yourself, it serves as a major blow to your self-esteem. Constant reactions and shaming never helps anyone.

In any case, there shouldn’t even be such a thing as retribution in a relationship. There is simply no room for it. And this is non negotiable in a relationship. Just because you do something wrong doesn’t mean you ought to be subjected to punishment. If your partner chooses to punish you by cutting you off , isolating you and perusing his own interests or doing things to make you feel guilty, then it’s not fair to you. Mistakes are inevitable in a relationship, but if you’re made to feel guilty and your morality is going to be questioned, maybe you need to give a hard look at your relationship.

In Sheena’s case, Vikas chose to completely deny the situation as is. Thereby undermining Sheena’s  perception of the world in order to maintain control over her. For example, if she expressed  hurt by what he did, he would respond by saying, “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re totally misreading the situation, you shouldn’t feel that way.” minimizing her experience by saying something like “You’re over reacting” made her question her perceptions so that eventually she  begins to mistrust them.

Emotional abusers  tend to be very touchy when the subject under discussion pertains to them. They are very easily offended. Instead of working on a problem with you, they will blame you for looking at it negatively or totally misunderstanding it. One has to be very careful with their words around them, as you never know what could upset them. This always keeps you in a very difficult position having to weigh each and everything before saying it. They will insist on treating you like a child and make you question your decisions. Often accusation of what you said will be repeated multiple times in order to confuse you and make you question your own mind. Unfortunately, we choose to ignore such signs since we are so attached to that person, and the relationship means so much to us that we can’t risk losing it. But it is important to look out for yourself and do the right thing no matter how difficult it is for you. You deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel good about yourself. Remember, you don’t destroy people you love. You can heal broken bones, you cannot heal a broken mind.

Change, And Welcome The New You

The warped concept of how love or certain relationships should often hinders us to experience the same in an authentic way. Often fear is the root of this. Fear of losing people we love, fear of not having “for ever after”, fear of not having the same priority/importance in others lives.  You felt a degree of apprehension, even fear, sometimes accompanied by unrelenting anxiety. It is precisely these strong emotional reactions that can act as a catalyst to increase motivation and commitment.

Though we will often hear ourselves say, “change is inevitable, I love change” – the truth is when our relationships start changing – whether due to distance, business of daily life or at times simply growing apart is something that makes us question our own worthiness. We insist on feeling what we felt like when we were together in high school or on how we used to feel earlier. We try and seek the old comfort, the old trust, the easy camaraderie that we shared. Growth is all about change. And change is good and inevitable. And though change arguably is painful it is often necessary – for everyone involved.

Holding on to how things were, how they felt is maybe, a bit unfair and even unrealistic.

It is our nature to change and grow.  As we experience anything we naturally undergo a change.  We are never the same after any experience we have.  Well, on one level of our beings.  There is another level but that has nothing to do with this question.

Relationships provide constant experiencing on many levels.  Often, we enter into a relationship out of Karmic obligation or in order to learn something about ourselves that this particular relationship can activate.  Some enter relationships out of Karmic obligation to bring children into the world.  Then, it dissipates.

As we change, one or both partners may shift  out of the energetic structure that created the original magnetic attraction forming the relationship.  This means, either it is time to move on, or the two people make a choice to try and work it out.  It will or will not be successful, depending on whether the relationship is still serving each person as a growth tool.

Two people who can move through their changes, challenges and trouble spots are those who are in a relationship effecting them on deeper levels.  They are still meant to be together as Karma can also be positive.  They have learned how to be in a relationship and can experience deeper levels of love, respect and companionship.  This is a reflection of growth and refinement on each of their parts.

20140404_084204Relationships exist to change people.  We have a strange perception of them in this world.  Nothing is more powerful than something invoking the attention and devotion of the heart.

That is why relationships are so powerful in their effect upon us, and why they are such potent teachers.

Allow change to happen. Let the new you emerge – which is more stranger  and wiser than the one you are leaving behind.

Get Your Funk On

15627_10152734843520875_7600415943623217630_n“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.But sometimes it doesn’t.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”   
Being brave, showing up for yourself. Everyday.
Being brave is often classified as being “physically brave” – participating in adventurous or risky sport or activities or courageous in the

5 penta

face of physical pain, hardship, or threat of death, while “emotional courage” is the ability to keep your calm and wits about when faced with rejection, heart break, shame, or discouragement.  Strength Tarot card beautifully depicts both inner and outer courage and strength, often emerging from the most unlikeliest of sources.
But have you thought about others?  Courage is displayed throughout the deck.  The 7 of Wands displays a kind of crazy, madman courage in the face of overwhelming odds and besides, he’s not ready. He has just jumped up and rushed out – totally unprepared. The 5 of Pentacles shows the inner strength to persevere when one is at the rope’s frayed end but to keep going despite hardships and challenges.  The 8 of Cups shows the courage to strike out on one’s own, leaving behind what once was cherished. It’s also about moving away from pain and choosing the unknown.
7 wandsThe 8 of Pentacles is about the everyday courage it takes to do what has to be done, again and again.  The 7 of Swords shows someone taking a lot of risk into one’s own hands, and feeling somewhat cornered into doing so.   All of these actions take courage in varying degrees and measures.

eight_pentacles 8 cupsStories.  We all have our stories, our moments, however brief, of striking courage that surprised people around us and made us look at ourselves in another light.  We look back and wonder at our own bravery, or foolish recklessness, because sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

Sometimes we don’t even recognize it as bravery.  We were just doing what had to be done and didn’t feel any special commission that stated, “This is bravery, right here.”  It was just necessary and we did it.
It is not necessary for courage to be on display each day – at times we feel just because we have done it once, it’s accomplished. Truth be told, you have to be brave each day. At times, it’s like gritting your teeth and moving on and at times it’s as simple as standing your ground, holding on to what feels right in your gut and not being ashamed of it.
Of walking away from situations, from people who no longer value you.
And not looking back.

How To Identify Toxic People And How To Get Rid Of Them

Toxic seems to be loosely used these days in many contexts. You may find some people plain irritating, loud, constantly seeking attention, especially the one’s who constantly beat their chests on Facebook every morning. They ensure, their pain, their angst has to be felt by everyone. They like to generally spread misery and enjoy the attention they are able to generate out of it. These people are  mildly toxic, not a full blown one. Toxic nonetheless. They’re just generally unhappy people, frustrated with their own life conditions and spewing  venom/ bitterness on a public platforms. It’s best to “mute” such people or what we would call a “limited/restricted profile.”

Be it your parents, your children, your closest friends, no one – no matter who they are or what position they hold in your life – has the right to infect your environment with negativity, make you feel lesser about yourself, make you question your self worth or try to force you to live the life they think is best for you.

You have the right to remove these toxic relationships and people from every area of your life. Yes. Despite what you’ve been told or raised to believe, you absolutely do have that right.

Of course, tolerance for toxicity is relative to each person — you have to decide when someone requires distance and when they need to be cut out of your life. Those lines vary from person to person. What we’re talking about here is true toxicity — the kind that infects, metastasizes, and takes over your life.

Here are a few classic signs of toxic people.

  • This toxic person always sees the downside to other people and situations.  Often, there is an attitude that others are “out to get them” – which is used as an excuse to explain their inability to move ahead or form lasting relationships.  They possess zero empathy or forgiveness, seeing small mistakes as personal attacks on them and obsessing over petty disagreements.
  • You may see a pattern of “one-upping” your problems.  If you have someone at work you’re having a problem with – the co-worker they deal with is much worse.  If you don’t feel well – they are in agony.  These people are particularly contagious and should be avoided at all costs.
  • Toxic people try to control you. Strange as it might sound, people who aren’t in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours. The toxic look for ways to control others, either through overt methods or subtle manipulation.
  • Toxic people disregard your boundaries. If you’re always telling someone to stop behaving a certain way and they only continue, that person is probably toxic. Respecting the boundaries of others comes naturally to well adjusted adults. The toxic person thrives on violating them.
  • Toxic people are always “right.” They’re going to find ways to be right even when they’re not. They rarely (if ever) admit when they’ve messed up, miscalculated or misspoken.
  • Toxic people love to be victims. The toxic revel in being a victim of the world. They seek to find ways to feel oppressed, put down and marginalized in ways they clearly are not. This might take the form of excuses, rationalizations, or out-and-out blaming.
  • Toxic people don’t take responsibility. Part of the victim mentality comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. When the world is perpetually against them, their choices and actions can’t possibly be responsible for the quality of their life — it’s “just the way things are.”

Always remember to surround yourself with people who uplift you and are good to you and for you and visit places that make you happy. Get involved with new people or engage in new situations. Focus yourself in new directions away from the toxic person you’re avoiding.  Avoiding people who need to be removed from your life might be difficult at first, but eventually they will get the hint. Many relationships in our lives can end this way naturally after they’ve run their course so it can be done.

Hold On, Pain Ends : When All Is Not Well…

I get these Tarot cards a lot, where the surrounding influences, energies of a person are fine, but they just don’t feel okay inside.  This is a reminder for us  to pause and find that stillness within and look at the restlessness gently. We tend to be impatient even angry with ourselves when we feel restless and often dismiss this feeling of disquiet as being unreasonable or frustrated with our surroundings or situations. We often forget there’s a subconscious – a higher self we all have which we choose to listen or ignore.

I have found at these times of unrest to focus the energies and thoughts toward gratitude. It may be as simple as sharing a meal with a dear one or cooking something special. I tend to bake a lot both when I am feeling low and when I’m happy. Which means there are phases when I am baking furiously. No one is complaining on that front though but few realize this has become by safety valve. I strongly believe if I cannot find that place or space of happiness then I must contribute it to another’s life. The way misery loves company so does gratitude and hope. And the best way I have found is in being grateful – no matter what goes on – there are reasons enough to be grateful for.

In Tarot we associate the beautiful Star card as the card of hope. start t
The Star card shows a naked woman kneeling at the edge of a small pool. The woman holds two containers of water. She pours the water out to nourish the earth and to continue the cycle of fertility, represented by the lush greenery around her. The other container pours the water onto dry land in five rivulets, representing the five senses. The woman has one foot on the ground, representing her practical abilities and good common sense, and the other foot in the water, representing her intuition and inner resources, and listening to her inner voice. Behind her, shines one large star and seven smaller stars, representing your chakras.

The Star is perhaps the most optimistic card in the tarot. The Star, reminds us of the cyclical nature of struggle in our lives: in between times of contentment , we go through hard times  which help us understand and evolve, and during these struggles we need to hold onto hope  that the good times will once again shine upon us.

Though The Star is a card that looks to the future – it does not speak of any sudden or dramatic change. It speaks of healing and support coming your way.

 

All of us go through this merry go round and sometimes we are on the ground and sometimes touching the stars. The trick is in remembering that the wheel will turn – you’re not forgotten. Gratitude is  a powerful healer.  Irrespective of what is happening to you – around you – keep reminding yourself of the things you can still do. It maybe a quite walk in a beautiful park, it could be a call from an old friend. This card often pops up to remind us that hope is never far away, no matter how dark the times are in which we find ourselves.

The darker the night is, the brighter the stars above will shine and you need to keep the faith. Reach out to your friends, reach out to people who support you – or just walk alone in gratitude that you have another day to make an effort to work things out.

Beatles: With A Little Help From My Friends

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you’re on your own?

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends