Tag Archives: Relationships

There Are No Accidents In Choosing The People We Love….

As per the Buddhist teaching, “there are no coincidences in life. The people we choose as partners have a purpose in our life. Whether it is to make us grow in specific areas of our life or to support us in our journey, it depends on the kind of connect we have with them. The effects of our interaction contribute to the real connections between ourselves and others so that they are never lost. This is more than just what your actions affect the world that we live in and will rebound from that world. This is about the effects of actions determining the connections you will encounter throughout all life times in this or any other realm of existence”.

Is it coincidence that we meet someone just at the right time when the odds of it happening are a million to one? Are chances meetings or coincidences just a distraction, or are they an indication that the nature of reality is very different from the way we habitually regard it? Jung talked of this kind of phenomenon in terms of synchronicity. It seems to happen more and more as one embarks on a spiritual path. I noticed it happen in a subtle form in begining and gradually being more pronounced since I embarked on the path to awareness. Simple instances like, thinking about a certain friend who has been out of touch and getting a phone call from them or even bumping into them accidently. More significant have been with people who absolutely were not in touch for years but were there on my mind – suddenly reappear and pick the friendship from where it was left.

Sometimes, people come in our lives as catalysts, to shake us, to remind us that it’s not to late, to break through our stagnant life patterns and other times we need them to remind us and to hold space for us.

Ironically, we may not understand the purpose of every person we meet in this life… In some ways, we have to look at the world as a giant fabric of vibrant colours, like a weave running all through it — some threads being smooth and gentle, while other uneven burlap. Each weave depicts a different meeting that has happened or yet to happen.

Though, not all encounters are supposed to last forever; sometimes, those encounters happen momentarily.. Perhaps it was to delay you, so that a mishap could be avoided or maybe even to arrange a meeting for you with a potential lover. Sometimes, the Universe sends us people to help us on our journey, even if they aren’t meant to contribute much or be a significant part of it.

The purpose of a relationship is to have the courage to see ourselves as we are… see the warts, the fear, the brokenness and the courage in us, that we are otherwise unconscious of.

The purpose of a relationship is to get under our skin, infuriate, overjoy and destroy us, so we can understand what drives us mad, what overwhelms us, and where we need to give ourselves love….and if you have a partner who has the courage to help you grow and is supportive of you as an individual, not feeding on your insecurities but stands beside you while you come undone and holds that space for you while you put yourself together…you’re home.

The purpose of a relationship is not to fix us, or heal us, or to make us whole and happy, it is to show us where we need fixing, and what parts of us are still broken, and yes, it is also not about being mocked or ridiculed or being belittled about your brokenness….it’s about both the partners understanding that nobody can do this work, or make us happy but ourselves.

So, roll your sleeves and have the courage to hold the space for the one you love – maybe they will come undone not once but several times…and so will you…have the patience to know, we all are capable of healing and loving deeply, authentically – given the chance.

When You Abandon Life…..

I pray you’ll be our eyes and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to the place guide us with your grace

When stars go out each night, you are eternal star
Let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our day
How much faith there’s, Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day, Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe.
– (The Prayer )

The thing about untimely death is, it leaves you suspended. I seem to be losing people I love, cared for deeply – leave. Just like that. It’s as though my prayer list seems to be getting longer. I recently lost someone, who at one time was extended family. Time passed, alcohol managed to undo what years of caring could not hold. And just like that, in a small accident – he gave up on life…a life which I recall, being fulfilling, happy in spurts, but pulling along nonetheless. The thing with alcohol or any addiction is – it gnaws you till your bones – it leaves nothing. It can destroy you and the people involved if you haven’t soght professional help. More importantly, if, as a family you’ve not been strong together or not have been supported – it tears everyone up. A person with addiction requires a strong army of people who recognise that they have to stay committed for life to the person suffering. Everyone should be willing to chip in not letting just one person get crushed under the weight of being responsible. It may seem like a tall ask…but really it isn’t.

It left me wondering, does life abandon us…or do we choose to abandon life? While, I love reading about people who survived against odds – rose from the ashes, fought against odds and got a grip of their lives…but I wonder about those who didn’t…does life give up on them? What happens when for the enth time you are knocked down and you don’t have the strength to lift your head? What happens when you know, that you are deeply addicted and people around you are sick of helping you..are generally sick of you? Besides being shamed, how many people come forward and help?

Yes, somewhere, you do abandon yourself.

Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important. You are not valued.” This is the pain from which people need to heal. I don’t have the answers, but, I do know that, life cannot choose to abandon you since you are life in itself. Yes, the person suffering has to recognise and be willing to accept that space of acceptance…which can only happen with time.

There are some of us who need compassion and understanding more than the rest. If we can have the courage to keep shame aside and seek help, maybe there will be less broken people in this world.

May we all have timely wisdom to recognise this.

June Full Moon In Sagittarius: Heal and Transform Yourself

The June Full Moon is one of the most potent in 2017. It falls in  Sagittarius, bringing issues like freedom, transformation and finally optimism to surface.

Jupiter is the supreme god of the Roman pantheon, called  “shining father”. He is a god of light and sky, and protector of the state and its laws. Be it political situations which have been unjust or relationships which have been unequal, Jupiter will force justice and a sense of fair play. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter or as per the Greek mythology  Zeus.  He is a son of Saturn and brother of Neptune and Juno (who is also his wife).  He does not tolerate manipulation. 

The Sagittarius energy is giving  and expansive and whenever the Full Moon is in Sagittarius it tends to expand or amplify our personal emotions and situations forcing us to deal with them and bring about change so a balance may be maintained. This full moon expect your relationships to be up for investigation and review. Things which have not worked so far, will have to transform.

With the Venus retrograde squaring Saturn retrograde for most of May 2017 has already placed a lot of strain on love relationships and on personal finances resulting in power struggles. The previous new moon in may brought about some amount of heartache or unexpected events  related to your money or personal life.

It is not all bleak and grey, for post the Full Moon, you will have clarity about which part of your love life you need to change or maybe in some dire cases, even let go. It’s as though the full moon will shine a torch at the dark areas where changes or adjustments need to be made. Post the full, there will be a sense of peace and release. A fragile relationship might break, there could a sense of betrayal or disrespect  and a  healthy one may experience some uncomfortable moments but continue to evolve. Try not to reach out to ex’s during this time or even start a new relationship quickly. Your sense of self could feel challenged, keep yourself away from taking drastic actions, even though temporarily, they might feel good.

https://youtu.be/b2o0HDnG3Fw

The June Full Moon will fill our lives with hope, courage and maybe a direction we have not explored earlier. While the focus is on transformation, it is also about new beginnings. It’s time to clear the baggage from past, release the old hurts and look at our scars gently, be proud of the journey you have undertaken so far, celebrate yourself, so you can welcome a wonderful tomorrow.

 

Being Ruled The By Moon: Emotional Balance & Happiness

“She sings as the moon sings:
‘I am I, am I;
The greater grows my light
The further that I fly.’
All creation shivers
With that sweet cry.” –  W. B. Yeats

We often find some people literally wax and wan with the moon eclipses.  Moon, in astrology, is the ruler of zodiac Cancer. It speaks about our subconscious, things that move us and our personal desires. While on the one hand Sun reason represents our deepest personal needs, our basic habits and reactions, and our unconscious.

Where the Sun acts, the Moon reacts. Our sense of security, what anchors us, what moves us can be defined by where the Moon is placed in our charts. People with a strong moon placement come across as over emotional. This is more apparent,  if they are ruled by any of the water signs, Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces.

Rather than fight the tide which Moon brings upon, it’s important to focus on what is the message  of the Moon. Full moon can make you over emotional, especially if you are trying to suppress something that does not feel right. Listen to what your intuition is saying, listen to your body, your gut….what do you feel inside? This does not mean that if you are constantly feeling negative about others you should carry on doing so…maybe you are giving energy to things/people while you should be focussing on yourself.

For some of us, our Moons seem to drive our personalities more than any other planet or mainly Sun. For your peace of mind and happiness, not to indulge the effect of moon in your life beyond a point.

I’ve focused so far on negative emotions, but people often don’t trust their positive emotions, either, feeling that if they get too happy, some negative force is sure to be attracted to their good vibrations and attempt to ruin them. This may be called ” nothing good ever lasts,” “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, or “they’re just waiting for me to let down my guard before they strike.”

 Grant Lewi, in Astrology for the Millions, offered the most evocative description of the Moon, “When you “know what you mean but you can’t say it,” it is your Moon that knows it and your Sun that can’t say it. “Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears” are the thoughts of your Moon’s nature. The wordless ecstasy, the mute sorrow, the secret dream, the esoteric picture of yourself that you can’t get across to the world, or which the world doesn’t comprehend or value – these are the products of the Moon in your horoscope. When you are misunderstood, it is your Moon nature, expressed imperfectly through the Sun sign, that you feel is betrayed. When you know what you ought to do, but can’t find the right way to do it, it is your Moon that knows and your Sun that refuses to react in harmony. Also, when you “don’t know why I said that,” it was your Moon expressing despite your Sun (if you are innerly satisfied with the involuntary speech), or the Sun expressing against the will of the Moon (if you are displeased with what has slipped out). Things you know without thought – intuitions, hunches, instincts – are the products of the Moon. Modes of expression that you feel are truly your deepest self belong to the Moon: art, letters, creative work of any kind; sometimes love; sometimes business. Whatever you feel is most deeply yourself, whether or not you are able to do anything about it in the outer world, is the product of your Moon and of the sign your Moon occupies at birth.”

Friends With Benefits: The Body Has A memory

To begin with, I have no moral high ground on friends being with benefits, but the recent number of times I have been counselling people who are in one, has made me explore this better. On the surface, it’s a fairly harmless arrangement, which tries to ease off the pressure in relationships – or this is what is assumed while beginning one. No complications, no answerability.

While, it’s understandable for the sexual part of a new friend with benefit relationship to fall into, but let’s look at the “friends” bit. We define a friend as someone we trust and who trusts us back, the relationship which is built on shared interests, experiences etc. Unless, it happens organically, an arrangement which is solely intended to be just a FBW from the begining in itself is misleading with a label that does not justify. Friendships take time to cultivate, and require emotional investment. While we may shy away from calling things black and white, thereby creating a sense of ambiguity, we’re soon heading towards a society that is comfortable in living in grey areas. Things that we know for what they are, but our fear of being tolerant or acceptance can be questioned, keeps us safe in the grey shadows.

While, greyness may work and even apply in certain aspects of life, but the lack of surety or living in uncertainty has started eroding into the relationships, causing serious damage.

The confusion that gets experienced in the ambiguity of trusting friends with whom a physical relationship is shared with, which has no direction, could leave you broken and emotionally messed up. We tend to underestimate the power our physical being has over our emotional. Our physical bodies have a memory. Whether you are hugging or kissing, there’s a chemical release which makes us bond or feel connected to that person. The mind could be telling a different story that this is just temporary, but your emotions and your body will tell you another.

Any relationship needs communication and a healthy respect for each other. Moving in and out of relationships which have no boundaries or no direction, tend you leave you exactly there – directionless and breed insecurity. You can be with each other one day and be free to sext or date anyone else tomorrow. There are no rules. Even if it’s at the cost of a benefit, you have to remember you are friends first, people whom you care for and are comfortable with. The worry lies in the fact, that such relationships can seldom turn into healthy ones. One of the partners may soon feel more and potentially feel strung along. They may just physically hold on to the relationship for the sake of it carrying on and start hoping the great sex may lead to a committed relationship.

It is rare, to find two emotionally secure individuals who are happy within themselves and not want more out of the other. They will understand boundaries…but then such individuals will seldom be in FWB situation. So you are back in the greyness and ambiguity which no one wants to define. Either, for the fear of losing what they have, or what potentially it could turn into.

Be brave, be accountable for your relationships. Let them be few. If you can’t bring yourself to commit, choose to be alone. Understand yourself better.. what you can give and what you can’t.

Options will always be there, choose wisely. Invest time and emotions in creating something wonderful. Having one foot out of the door – will always leave you there.

5 Signs Your Relationship Is For Keeps

We often look at love as the elixir that will save us from life. We get romantically involved and at times, more often than not, bad relationships make us wonder whether a certain relationship is “the one”?

Here are signs that the relationship is for keeps.

Respect

Yes, this is right above love, above everything else. Let me put it simply, if there’s basic respect towards each other – your relationship is for keeps. If there are tell tale signs of humiliating each other – even during fights it won’t last. You need to watch how you are treated during a fight. Does your partner respect boundaries or do they throw everything in the heat of the moment and burn the village down in their anger. If you cannot respect each other’s insecurities especially during a fight, you will fuel insecurity and a lack of trust in your relationship.

Friendship

The core of any relationship is being friends with each other and valuing that friendship above all. If you can laugh at yourself,  have the comfort of sharing your deepest self with your partner without feeling threatened, the relationship is for keeps. Whether you spend time doing nothing together or having the comfort of being in the same house yet doing your own thing, whether you are watching TV and your partner is reading a book are signs of a healthy and comfortable relationship.

Acceptance

If you can understand a simple concept, that your partner is different from you and it is not your life mission to change them – half your battle is won. Constructive feedback is great but if your partner is not open to any sort of feedback and is defensive or blows up every time you try and bring a non acceptable behaviour – take a look at your relationship again.  If you cannot wear your heart on your sleeve and are criticised for irrational things it’s a red flag. To put it simply,  a healthy relationship is where the couple accept each other and are not trying to create a mirror image of themselves.

Open Communication

If you able to have difficult conversations, without your partner walking off in a huff in between – you have a winner.  If you don’t have to think twice before saying anything and and feel you are  not walking on a land mine,  the relationship is for keeps. Couples who plan their future together, and work together to make them into a realty,  value each other. Planning a meaningful journey together and be able to have conversations around it are signs of healthy teamwork.

Trust

“Trust is a choice to be available, vulnerable and transparent in a relationship, because the person you’re trusting has proven worthy of your partnership through consistency in their honesty, integrity and dependability.”
Trust is much more than an instinct or a gut feel, people often confuse love and forgiveness with trust, while these can be given freely,  trust needs to be earned on merit alone. Relationships which have a consistent pattern, where the partners show up for each other and are consistent will weather many storms.

New Moon in Gemini: May 25th 2017 – Relationships & Power Struggles

New Moon Meaning

A new moon represents the end of one cycle and the beginning of new 28 day lunar cycle. When there is a new moon, the Earth, Moon, and the Sun are positioned in a line.

 New moon is traditionally a good time for starting fresh, both in relationships and starting new projects. A time to let go of old patterns, conditioning and belief systems. The influence of which lasts approximately four weeks, with the first two weeks being a time of making changes. The effect lasts about 10th June. However, with the cardinal signs being in a tussle there could be a trigger to your love life and finance. Which could result in having power struggles in relationships. If there has been insecurity or a sense of not being valued in a relationship, chances are things will boil to the surface causing power struggles.
Some experience a sudden or unexpected end to their shaky relationship, which could besides causing a drama be painful. A stable relationship however, will withhold. That said, change is imperative, things can no longer carry on the way they have before. There will be a sense of wanting more freedom and understanding in the relationship. Old ways of operating will no longer be valid, as would your life experiences. Be willing to give more and open yourself up. It’s a time for emotional growth, enhancing what you already have. Try not to give ultimatums or threaten your partner, who may just end up feeding on your insecurity more rather than empathise.

 

Transformation on both sides is the key to survive and strengthen the roots of the relationship. Work with the Pluto energy by being transparent and not hide behind the defence mechanism of burying your head in the sand.

Full Moon In Scorpio 10th May 2017: Convert Fear To Love

This May full moon is all about taking your power back. It’s about going in deep, letting go of things not required, making space for something to change, shift on a deep level. Pluto, one of the ruling planets of Scorpio, is going to dig deep, dig everything under the surface which is not pretty.

It’s the time for opening your heart, understanding the complexities of your relationship. On the other hand, if you are done trying, this would be the perfect time to cut that someone off from your life, or of a situation that is no longer adding any value to your life. It’s a time of being courageous, of taking back your power, tapping deep inside you for the strength and wisdom you possess.

Embrace and accept responsibility for your life. If you are not supported emotionally by your partner, look at whether it is something they are refusing to give you or are incapable of being there for you.

Show up for yourself. Use this full moon transformative energy to heal and move forward. You may just find a new direction ahead.

 

 

 

Don’t let fear block your way ahead.

Embrace and accept.

How Needy Are You?

“Don’t be needy, you will ruin your relationship” and “I can’t handle her neediness” or “needy people need to see a shrink”,  how often have we heard this from our friends, read on different blogs, contradicting theories on being needy.

In another perspective, people fear that if they respond to their partners’ emotional needs, then their partners will become more dependent and keep wanting more. To avoid this fear, they push  their partners away.

There is research showing just the opposite—that if a partner is responsive to dependency needs, the partner functions more autonomously likely because they feel more secure.  As human beings, we are wired to depend on one another. As humans, we like connecting with other people whether to listen or to be heard. Being on our own has the possibility of hampering our emotional growth.  As someone wise said, “You can’t be human all by yourself.”

Wanting to connect and attached is often confused with a person who is emotionally dependent and cannot think or feel for themselves. The shaming which gets done on a regular basis as simple as saying, “why don’t you get your sh** together”,  is used  conversationally, not realising the damage of insecurity it increases. There is no shame in needing your partner or loved one to be there for you in a relationship. If your partner feels awkward about your vulnerability or shames your need to be loved wholly, accepting as you are without pretences, you might want to take another look at your relationship.

The truth is, at some point or the other, we have all dealt with regret, emptiness and  self-hatred in our lives. Whether we accept it or resist, we want to be heard, to be accepted and to be understood.

Accept that you are someone who wants to rely on others, wants to trust, wants to love and be loved as deeply and authentically as possible….which will require you to bare your soul and be vulnerable. Ignore the naysayers who insist,  you have to be a perfect, highly functioning human being before you even consider entering into a relationship.

It’s the biggest myth of all….no one is perfect… ever.

You can rationalise your need for space, for doing your own thing on your own, but, people need loving relationships to thrive.

To my credit, I’ve understood few basic things. I understand that it’s pointless to be needy with people with whom you can’t be yourself…people who are not comfortable accepting who you are. My caustic sense of humour has helped me get by as has been my ability to write. That’s the thing about not dealing with your core – your inner being, you forget to take care of yourself – on what works for you, what makes you happy. You get so focused on the other persons needs that you forget you have any needs to begin with.

Sadly, all this does is, develop relationships which are fine on the surface, but if you were to scratch them, they fall apart. The fear to hide your true self, behind the easy, fun to get along with, low key intensity – works for everybody. So, you learn not to dive in too deep in relationships, skirt around the boundaries and emotions. After all, who wants a intense, complex person on their hands? The fear of letting out your neediness and the frustration which by now could have converted to anger is repressed constantly. Don’t let it out, stay cool, stay easy…that’s what people can deal with. Right?

What if I were to tell you, there are people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and work with you on whatever it is that you need? Whether it was fear of abandonment, love – whatever you needed as a child or in during a bad relationship and didn’t receive.

Practice being real, with those few. Even if you feel stupid, incapable of a deep relationship (could be childhood neglect or result of bad relationships) have the courage to open yourself up – bit by bit. People who can see through your  bravado, bluster, and pain will hold you close.

Always remember, all you need is compassion and someone who can appreciate you for you are. You are just asking to be seen, heard, validated. And not just general appreciation. Specific appreciation helps, maybe your ability to write beautifully, your wit. Most importantly, your partners ability to reassure you on a regular basis that you will not be abandoned and the fact that love will stay.

No one enjoys or wants to be ‘needy. To deny a need is to deny a fact. By pure definition, it’s an absolute requirement. Need, not ‘want.’ I have never heard people say, ‘you’re want-y.’ Whether we accept it or not, we all have needs, which have to be acknowledged and it helps to know what they are.

Let’s not shame, scoff or worse ignore the loneliness and brokenness. Let’s accept and embrace the knowledge that we are capable of feeling isolated. Let not fear of loss of a relationship stop us to share our  stories and ourselves.

How To Connect Again In A Relationship

Always when we fight
I try to make you laugh
Until everything’s forgotten
I know you hate that

Then we watch TV
Until we fall asleep
Not every exciting
But it’s you and me
And we’ll always be together

“Intimacy is not purely physical, it’s the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you see into their soul.” 

There are times when I sense a distance in my relationship or  a lack of closeness. I understand this as a time to centre myself and quieten the din in my head. Its a time to listen from my heart. In a world where we are in a hurry to fix things quickly,  somewhere we have forgotten that at most times nothing needs to be fixed, not you not your partner not your dog. You just need to be in the present and acknowledge the person in front of you and what they mean to you.

There is a fine balance to be developed between containing – (as when our anger is on the verge of turning into hostility) and expressing (when our pent up frustration needs a voice) which when found can lead to nirvana i.e.; emotional intimacy. There are differing view points on containing and expressing. Especially if you are viewed as a hysteric by your partner or you view them as repressed. But, there can be another approach, where space can be created for meaningful dialogue and a quite understanding so it’s neither perceived as a dramatic vent or a sullen silence. Imagine emotional restraint and emotional uninhibitedness in sync, coexisting compassionately.
If the relationship has been toxic with a lot of emotional abuse and there is no choice but to walk away – without consciously wallowing in self pity or living in the past. Choose to be in the present.
The only way to have deep lasting relationships is to jump in deep, without prioritising your friends, parents, kids.
Your relationship has to be kept first, given a priority above everything else. This is the only secret you need to know in order to have a deep, authentic bond with your partner.