Tag Archives: Guidance

When You Abandon Life…..

I pray you’ll be our eyes and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to the place guide us with your grace

When stars go out each night, you are eternal star
Let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our day
How much faith there’s, Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day, Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe.
– (The Prayer )

The thing about untimely death is, it leaves you suspended. I seem to be losing people I love, cared for deeply – leave. Just like that. It’s as though my prayer list seems to be getting longer. I recently lost someone, who at one time was extended family. Time passed, alcohol managed to undo what years of caring could not hold. And just like that, in a small accident – he gave up on life…a life which I recall, being fulfilling, happy in spurts, but pulling along nonetheless. The thing with alcohol or any addiction is – it gnaws you till your bones – it leaves nothing. It can destroy you and the people involved if you haven’t soght professional help. More importantly, if, as a family you’ve not been strong together or not have been supported – it tears everyone up. A person with addiction requires a strong army of people who recognise that they have to stay committed for life to the person suffering. Everyone should be willing to chip in not letting just one person get crushed under the weight of being responsible. It may seem like a tall ask…but really it isn’t.

It left me wondering, does life abandon us…or do we choose to abandon life? While, I love reading about people who survived against odds – rose from the ashes, fought against odds and got a grip of their lives…but I wonder about those who didn’t…does life give up on them? What happens when for the enth time you are knocked down and you don’t have the strength to lift your head? What happens when you know, that you are deeply addicted and people around you are sick of helping you..are generally sick of you? Besides being shamed, how many people come forward and help?

Yes, somewhere, you do abandon yourself.

Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important. You are not valued.” This is the pain from which people need to heal. I don’t have the answers, but, I do know that, life cannot choose to abandon you since you are life in itself. Yes, the person suffering has to recognise and be willing to accept that space of acceptance…which can only happen with time.

There are some of us who need compassion and understanding more than the rest. If we can have the courage to keep shame aside and seek help, maybe there will be less broken people in this world.

May we all have timely wisdom to recognise this.

Friends With Benefits: The Body Has A memory

To begin with, I have no moral high ground on friends being with benefits, but the recent number of times I have been counselling people who are in one, has made me explore this better. On the surface, it’s a fairly harmless arrangement, which tries to ease off the pressure in relationships – or this is what is assumed while beginning one. No complications, no answerability.

While, it’s understandable for the sexual part of a new friend with benefit relationship to fall into, but let’s look at the “friends” bit. We define a friend as someone we trust and who trusts us back, the relationship which is built on shared interests, experiences etc. Unless, it happens organically, an arrangement which is solely intended to be just a FBW from the begining in itself is misleading with a label that does not justify. Friendships take time to cultivate, and require emotional investment. While we may shy away from calling things black and white, thereby creating a sense of ambiguity, we’re soon heading towards a society that is comfortable in living in grey areas. Things that we know for what they are, but our fear of being tolerant or acceptance can be questioned, keeps us safe in the grey shadows.

While, greyness may work and even apply in certain aspects of life, but the lack of surety or living in uncertainty has started eroding into the relationships, causing serious damage.

The confusion that gets experienced in the ambiguity of trusting friends with whom a physical relationship is shared with, which has no direction, could leave you broken and emotionally messed up. We tend to underestimate the power our physical being has over our emotional. Our physical bodies have a memory. Whether you are hugging or kissing, there’s a chemical release which makes us bond or feel connected to that person. The mind could be telling a different story that this is just temporary, but your emotions and your body will tell you another.

Any relationship needs communication and a healthy respect for each other. Moving in and out of relationships which have no boundaries or no direction, tend you leave you exactly there – directionless and breed insecurity. You can be with each other one day and be free to sext or date anyone else tomorrow. There are no rules. Even if it’s at the cost of a benefit, you have to remember you are friends first, people whom you care for and are comfortable with. The worry lies in the fact, that such relationships can seldom turn into healthy ones. One of the partners may soon feel more and potentially feel strung along. They may just physically hold on to the relationship for the sake of it carrying on and start hoping the great sex may lead to a committed relationship.

It is rare, to find two emotionally secure individuals who are happy within themselves and not want more out of the other. They will understand boundaries…but then such individuals will seldom be in FWB situation. So you are back in the greyness and ambiguity which no one wants to define. Either, for the fear of losing what they have, or what potentially it could turn into.

Be brave, be accountable for your relationships. Let them be few. If you can’t bring yourself to commit, choose to be alone. Understand yourself better.. what you can give and what you can’t.

Options will always be there, choose wisely. Invest time and emotions in creating something wonderful. Having one foot out of the door – will always leave you there.

3 Ways To Untangle Your Life

Have Faith In The Process:

We all go through painful situations in life that can make us feel stuck. The situation may feel like an unending tunnel without any light at the end. Times such as these you need to hold on to the faith of it being a process of sifting before clarity emerges. Not accepting what’s happening and feeling a sense of futility will not make it go away. Remember to love yourself during this process, accept and embrace for what’s happening. Self hatred and guilt ridden thoughts have to be kept at bay consciously, by reminding yourself, you did what you could in the situation. (provided you have)

Know that it’s temporary:

Unfortunately, happiness tends to make time fly, while sadness and challenging times seem to drag. While going through tough times, resist the urge to be drawn in others drama or negativity. If your relationship is difficult, resist the urge to engage in petty discussions and focus on how you are feeling. Only being true to your emotions can give you clarity on where to move ahead in your relationship.

Set a goal:

Whether it is to write a book, change your job or get fit – identify it and then stick to it like your life depends on it. Setting goals can be a constructive practice. There is enough and more research done on the effects on the positives of goal setting to maintain a emotional happier and healthier life. Being happy takes requires discipline and hard work, and goal setting is one part of the equation. Whether the goal is short-term, you need to define specific and actionable steps that you can take in order to reach your goals.

Try and ensure your goals are difficult enough to motivate you and hold your interest but not so laborious that you realistically have no chance of achieving them.

How Needy Are You?

“Don’t be needy, you will ruin your relationship” and “I can’t handle her neediness” or “needy people need to see a shrink”,  how often have we heard this from our friends, read on different blogs, contradicting theories on being needy.

In another perspective, people fear that if they respond to their partners’ emotional needs, then their partners will become more dependent and keep wanting more. To avoid this fear, they push  their partners away.

There is research showing just the opposite—that if a partner is responsive to dependency needs, the partner functions more autonomously likely because they feel more secure.  As human beings, we are wired to depend on one another. As humans, we like connecting with other people whether to listen or to be heard. Being on our own has the possibility of hampering our emotional growth.  As someone wise said, “You can’t be human all by yourself.”

Wanting to connect and attached is often confused with a person who is emotionally dependent and cannot think or feel for themselves. The shaming which gets done on a regular basis as simple as saying, “why don’t you get your sh** together”,  is used  conversationally, not realising the damage of insecurity it increases. There is no shame in needing your partner or loved one to be there for you in a relationship. If your partner feels awkward about your vulnerability or shames your need to be loved wholly, accepting as you are without pretences, you might want to take another look at your relationship.

The truth is, at some point or the other, we have all dealt with regret, emptiness and  self-hatred in our lives. Whether we accept it or resist, we want to be heard, to be accepted and to be understood.

Accept that you are someone who wants to rely on others, wants to trust, wants to love and be loved as deeply and authentically as possible….which will require you to bare your soul and be vulnerable. Ignore the naysayers who insist,  you have to be a perfect, highly functioning human being before you even consider entering into a relationship.

It’s the biggest myth of all….no one is perfect… ever.

You can rationalise your need for space, for doing your own thing on your own, but, people need loving relationships to thrive.

To my credit, I’ve understood few basic things. I understand that it’s pointless to be needy with people with whom you can’t be yourself…people who are not comfortable accepting who you are. My caustic sense of humour has helped me get by as has been my ability to write. That’s the thing about not dealing with your core – your inner being, you forget to take care of yourself – on what works for you, what makes you happy. You get so focused on the other persons needs that you forget you have any needs to begin with.

Sadly, all this does is, develop relationships which are fine on the surface, but if you were to scratch them, they fall apart. The fear to hide your true self, behind the easy, fun to get along with, low key intensity – works for everybody. So, you learn not to dive in too deep in relationships, skirt around the boundaries and emotions. After all, who wants a intense, complex person on their hands? The fear of letting out your neediness and the frustration which by now could have converted to anger is repressed constantly. Don’t let it out, stay cool, stay easy…that’s what people can deal with. Right?

What if I were to tell you, there are people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and work with you on whatever it is that you need? Whether it was fear of abandonment, love – whatever you needed as a child or in during a bad relationship and didn’t receive.

Practice being real, with those few. Even if you feel stupid, incapable of a deep relationship (could be childhood neglect or result of bad relationships) have the courage to open yourself up – bit by bit. People who can see through your  bravado, bluster, and pain will hold you close.

Always remember, all you need is compassion and someone who can appreciate you for you are. You are just asking to be seen, heard, validated. And not just general appreciation. Specific appreciation helps, maybe your ability to write beautifully, your wit. Most importantly, your partners ability to reassure you on a regular basis that you will not be abandoned and the fact that love will stay.

No one enjoys or wants to be ‘needy. To deny a need is to deny a fact. By pure definition, it’s an absolute requirement. Need, not ‘want.’ I have never heard people say, ‘you’re want-y.’ Whether we accept it or not, we all have needs, which have to be acknowledged and it helps to know what they are.

Let’s not shame, scoff or worse ignore the loneliness and brokenness. Let’s accept and embrace the knowledge that we are capable of feeling isolated. Let not fear of loss of a relationship stop us to share our  stories and ourselves.

Letting Go Of 2016….

Let go of 2016 with grace, with compassion and acknowledging that you’ve come a long way. Sure, there were better routes, maybe smoother one’s but you chose what you knew  was the best route to your knowledge. If the lessons have been hard and cruel, acknowledge them and know time does not heal all wounds but allows us to cope with them. You are fine, you will be fine. Maybe it still looks dark, maybe you still feel lost and that’s okay. Embrace your uncertainty, embrace your aches and know you did your best. Accept, don’t dramatise, stay easy , stay light.

Let go judging yourself, yet simply ask what you could have done differently. Would it still have gotten you the desired results? You would only know, if you would try another way. Hold yourself accountable and take action on what you’ve learned. Stop keeping lists of how you have been wronged. Taking responsibility means you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open in the world. It’s okay to fall, it’s okay to fail as long as you can pick yourself up and start walking again. If amazing stuff is happening, you played a role. If tough stuff is happening, you played a role.

For me this is not about focusing on something and expecting to magically conjure it into existence but simply focusing on the good. By focusing on what I can do next. Does a certain situation seem futile? Do you constantly feel undermined, criticised, unloved? Do I live in fear or do I live in abundance? Do I choose to ignore or do I choose to deal with it?

End of 2016, look back, ask yourself, what is my focus right now? Am I focusing on something I want or something I don’t want? Am I seeing the opportunities or only the obstacles? What am I looking at? What am I willing to give? Do I want to live in regret or do smile back at life, tighten my gloves and beckon it back for another round?

Let go of what did not work out, what could have/should have, the disappointment of working in a place that ignores your potential, maybe a state of being in and out of jobs or the people you loved and did not love you back. The friends who chose to see you in pain and look through your pain, the disappointments of not being loved enough, of being let down. ACCEPT it all with gentleness – look at these hurts with compassion.

Choose to move beyond the self defeating beliefs that you’ve told yourself over and over again, “I will never be happy, I can never find love, I can never find a job that makes me happy”,” my situation will never change”.  Tell yourself, “I am worthy”.  Focus on the small moments of happiness that you felt, snuggling early in the morning, the kindness given by random strangers, the cab that arrived on time, the gym session you aced, the pure joy on your child’s face when you hugged them or your quite walks holding hands.

The universe has not forgotten you, you are loved, your are cared for…you matter.

 

Change, And Welcome The New You

The warped concept of how love or certain relationships should often hinders us to experience the same in an authentic way. Often fear is the root of this. Fear of losing people we love, fear of not having “for ever after”, fear of not having the same priority/importance in others lives.  You felt a degree of apprehension, even fear, sometimes accompanied by unrelenting anxiety. It is precisely these strong emotional reactions that can act as a catalyst to increase motivation and commitment.

Though we will often hear ourselves say, “change is inevitable, I love change” – the truth is when our relationships start changing – whether due to distance, business of daily life or at times simply growing apart is something that makes us question our own worthiness. We insist on feeling what we felt like when we were together in high school or on how we used to feel earlier. We try and seek the old comfort, the old trust, the easy camaraderie that we shared. Growth is all about change. And change is good and inevitable. And though change arguably is painful it is often necessary – for everyone involved.

Holding on to how things were, how they felt is maybe, a bit unfair and even unrealistic.

It is our nature to change and grow.  As we experience anything we naturally undergo a change.  We are never the same after any experience we have.  Well, on one level of our beings.  There is another level but that has nothing to do with this question.

Relationships provide constant experiencing on many levels.  Often, we enter into a relationship out of Karmic obligation or in order to learn something about ourselves that this particular relationship can activate.  Some enter relationships out of Karmic obligation to bring children into the world.  Then, it dissipates.

As we change, one or both partners may shift  out of the energetic structure that created the original magnetic attraction forming the relationship.  This means, either it is time to move on, or the two people make a choice to try and work it out.  It will or will not be successful, depending on whether the relationship is still serving each person as a growth tool.

Two people who can move through their changes, challenges and trouble spots are those who are in a relationship effecting them on deeper levels.  They are still meant to be together as Karma can also be positive.  They have learned how to be in a relationship and can experience deeper levels of love, respect and companionship.  This is a reflection of growth and refinement on each of their parts.

20140404_084204Relationships exist to change people.  We have a strange perception of them in this world.  Nothing is more powerful than something invoking the attention and devotion of the heart.

That is why relationships are so powerful in their effect upon us, and why they are such potent teachers.

Allow change to happen. Let the new you emerge – which is more stranger  and wiser than the one you are leaving behind.

How To Identify Toxic People And How To Get Rid Of Them

Toxic seems to be loosely used these days in many contexts. You may find some people plain irritating, loud, constantly seeking attention, especially the one’s who constantly beat their chests on Facebook every morning. They ensure, their pain, their angst has to be felt by everyone. They like to generally spread misery and enjoy the attention they are able to generate out of it. These people are  mildly toxic, not a full blown one. Toxic nonetheless. They’re just generally unhappy people, frustrated with their own life conditions and spewing  venom/ bitterness on a public platforms. It’s best to “mute” such people or what we would call a “limited/restricted profile.”

Be it your parents, your children, your closest friends, no one – no matter who they are or what position they hold in your life – has the right to infect your environment with negativity, make you feel lesser about yourself, make you question your self worth or try to force you to live the life they think is best for you.

You have the right to remove these toxic relationships and people from every area of your life. Yes. Despite what you’ve been told or raised to believe, you absolutely do have that right.

Of course, tolerance for toxicity is relative to each person — you have to decide when someone requires distance and when they need to be cut out of your life. Those lines vary from person to person. What we’re talking about here is true toxicity — the kind that infects, metastasizes, and takes over your life.

Here are a few classic signs of toxic people.

  • This toxic person always sees the downside to other people and situations.  Often, there is an attitude that others are “out to get them” – which is used as an excuse to explain their inability to move ahead or form lasting relationships.  They possess zero empathy or forgiveness, seeing small mistakes as personal attacks on them and obsessing over petty disagreements.
  • You may see a pattern of “one-upping” your problems.  If you have someone at work you’re having a problem with – the co-worker they deal with is much worse.  If you don’t feel well – they are in agony.  These people are particularly contagious and should be avoided at all costs.
  • Toxic people try to control you. Strange as it might sound, people who aren’t in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours. The toxic look for ways to control others, either through overt methods or subtle manipulation.
  • Toxic people disregard your boundaries. If you’re always telling someone to stop behaving a certain way and they only continue, that person is probably toxic. Respecting the boundaries of others comes naturally to well adjusted adults. The toxic person thrives on violating them.
  • Toxic people are always “right.” They’re going to find ways to be right even when they’re not. They rarely (if ever) admit when they’ve messed up, miscalculated or misspoken.
  • Toxic people love to be victims. The toxic revel in being a victim of the world. They seek to find ways to feel oppressed, put down and marginalized in ways they clearly are not. This might take the form of excuses, rationalizations, or out-and-out blaming.
  • Toxic people don’t take responsibility. Part of the victim mentality comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. When the world is perpetually against them, their choices and actions can’t possibly be responsible for the quality of their life — it’s “just the way things are.”

Always remember to surround yourself with people who uplift you and are good to you and for you and visit places that make you happy. Get involved with new people or engage in new situations. Focus yourself in new directions away from the toxic person you’re avoiding.  Avoiding people who need to be removed from your life might be difficult at first, but eventually they will get the hint. Many relationships in our lives can end this way naturally after they’ve run their course so it can be done.

The 4th House In Astrology & Tarot : Emotional Foundations

The 4th house rules your home, family, and foundation. It can rule your home itself structurally, like the kind of home you like and the place or area you’d like to live, as well as the environment within the home. The 4th is where we go when we collapse. It rules home and family, ancestors and homeland. It provides a literal retreat. The 4th house is on as axis with the 10th house (the exact opposite house). There is an inevitable conflict between the needs of the soul and the demands of public life. From the 4th we’re called to serve society in our 10th house role. This axis is also a very spiritual axis, and the 4th house shows the spiritual foundation upon which you build. Cancer and the Moon rule the 4th house, and this house is an angular house.

The fourth house is also the house of our childhood and our parents childhood and so-on.  It represents the circle of life and size. It’s the house of what makes us into who we are as adults and it’s our past that we like to keep private.  This is where we can find “Skeletons in the closet“. It represents resources used to rear us.

Do you wonder if you will ever find and own your dream home? In tarot, there are several cards which refer to property matters and moving house. These are a few cards based on my experience as a reader.

4 wandsThe four of wands

A happy scene indeed. This bright card foretells that you are about to set down new roots and you will be more than happy in your new home. Good energy and a fabulous neighbours. What more can you ask for? A card connected with celebrations also, it likely to indicate a   house warming party too.

The Empress This card is often associated with pregnancy and even financial abundance. But I find she also pops up in a reading when someone is about to make a move of house and settle down in a lovely location, more often than not close to the countryside, or even  own a house that has a large garden (the Empress is linked to Nature). She does look comfortable too, doesn’t she? So expect to feel this way in your new home. It could be a move that lasts you a life time.

3 pentaclesThree of Pentacles: Three people stand outside of a property, they are deep in discussion.

The discussion could involve changes to the property structure. Work needs to be done. Renovations to be carried out.

Yes, a house move will happen. But expect to spend money on improvements and these may not necessarily be what you are aware of at the point of sale. Make sure your budget allows for unforeseen extras.This card can also indicate future expansion of your living space. Adding extra rooms or extending a room.

 

Get Out Of Your Own Way! | Tarot Card Of Being Trapped

“I am so tired of being in this rut”. She lamented. Kriti a lovely woman of 35, with a lucrative career in finance was sitting in front of me looking dejected. “It’s the same thing again and again.” She carried on tiredly, “I can’t stand my job, I no longer recognize the person I’ve become. I wanted to be a hair dresser for as long as I can remember. But the family pressure of doing the done thing has undone me now”

I hear this sadly more often than I would like too. The inability to move from jobs, dead relationships or one sided  relationships or inability to change directions from the chosen path. Kriti was fortunate – she knew what she wanted to be. And where she stood right now. The only issue was she was in her own way. In a lot of situations the frustration is more as there’s no clarity on who you are and who you want to be.

8 swordsIn Tarot, The Eight of Swords reflects that you feel trapped by your own thoughts and perspectives. The woman in this card is blindfolded and bound, trapping her into thinking that she has no way out. However, if only she could remove the blindfold and change her thinking, she would see that she does indeed have options. So, the Eight of Swords suggests that you need to look at a difficult situation from a new angle. Draw upon your intellectual self and your emotional self to determine the best path forward, one that avoids any possible victimisation or restriction.

The simplest way often is it to set goals – small one’s . And start achieving them. They can be as simple as going to the gym regularly or not having that second ciggrette or saving a little as soon as you have some money on you.

Most importantly understand yourself – accept your short comings and know that you’re allowed to scream, allowed to cry, but you’re not not allowed to give up on yourself.

Life is too short to spend another day at war with yourself.

 

It’s okay if sometimes the pain has been unbearable you thought you wouldn’t survive the grief and sometimes the joy has been so powerful that you thought your heart could not contain it – sometimes you pined for something and sometimes you tore your hair out because it was there, you won and you lost, okay so maybe you lost more than you won.

Maybe it has been more rough than smooth maybe friends/co -workers  have cheated you often maybe your own family has been unsupportive, but then don’t you see my friend this is how life is? You have layers and layers of you – you are fragile and you are strong. Why don’t you choose to rest more on the steel inside you?

Choose your consequence. Who is stopping you, but you?  We need to get out of our own way. If you want to do something…then do it…what is stopping you?

Choose to be happy. Happiness requires effort – sadness is lazy. You have to fight for it, strive for it, at times even insist upon it . You have to be relentless.

The happiest people i know are relentless in their pursuit of chasing their dreams, their goals.

Be that person.

When Love Gives Up On You: Tarot Card Of Betrayal

The worst feeling of being in love with someone is not being loved back or not being wanted the way you want them. Not enough that is. And they don’t tell you – they assume you will know -well  eventually you are expected to. They assume on your behalf you won’t bleed as much. Sure, you would feel the pain but you would get over it. So, the charade carries on, the dinners are done and the holidays are taken together and no mention is made of “ever after”

Such relationships are often lonely especially for the one who loves and lives in hope  to be with someone who does not reciprocrate in the same way. You cannot make people love you the way you do – no matter how much you care – they just don’t care back but the good news is,  it’s not end of the world. And after a while, you learn that someone holding your hand was just that, the time spent together was a mere habit, and since there were no promises made – nothing gets broken. Well, nothing on the outside that is. And unknowingly you become party to the crime. You knew there were no promises – so why did you expect? Why did you take all the conversations, sharing of happiness as a sign. And you learn again – that it’s still possible to get your heart broken.

“Don’t beleive in everything people write”,  I was told, and I wondered silently, what is it then that I beleive in? At some point, you realize that you have done too much for someone or something, the only next possible step is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you’ve to draw the line of determination from desperation.

 

seven_swordsIn Tarot, The Seven of Swords indicates that you may be tempted to sneak away from a particular situation that is not working for you any more, rather than dealing with it head on. As you do not feel ready to deal with the issues, you are aiming for a solution where you can just escape and not have to worry about it all. Are you trying to run away from commitment, responsibility, hard work or love? You may be procrastinating, letting problems slip and become worse because you do not want to deal with them. Sometimes you just have to face what has to be faced. So, the question is, “Is this realistic?” Will this ‘escape’ really accomplish what you want to and need to accomplish? Will it address the fundamental issues at hand here? The likely answer is no, and it may simply be an easy way out for now.

ten_swordsWhen the 7 of Swords is accompanied by upright 10 of Swords it reconfirms the feeling of betrayal. As such, the Ten of Swords is often associated with feeling the ‘victim’ in a situation. You may feel powerless as something comes to a crashing and sudden end, and you feel as if you are being attacked or backstabbed by someone else.

The Ten of Swords is about letting go and accepting your current circumstances. You no longer resist change but allow it to happen, even if it causes some initial pain and hurt to you. You accept that there must be change in order to facilitate renewal, and you allow it to occur rather than fighting it.