Category Archives: Love

Why Am I Not In A Relationship?

You really can’t predict as to when and how and where you will meet “the one”. Sometimes, it’s as simple as meeting someone in a bookstore, at a friends place or even at work…

So, while it could be a tad difficult to predict the above you could do a quick self check to gauge whether it’s something uncontrollable in your life that’s stopping you from having that relationship or it’s simply you who’s not ready to share their lives yet…

One doesn’t have to be in a devastated state or a complete emotional mess to know this, simple things like being too engrossed in yourself and your work or lack of time to make space for others could be a factor as well. Sometimes, it could be a certainty that you just can’t be happy till you are not in a relationship.

See if you relate to the following..

You are preoccupied on finding love

If most of your conversations, thoughts, writings reflect the focus on your inability on finding love then maybe you need to pause. If your energy is focussed on the dating game and most of your interests are around planning ways you can find love than on focus on yourself, it’s time to try something different.Attract someone who is emotionally healthy and a strong sense of self worth and in order to do that your own self worth should be high. No relationship can make you feel better about yourself or less lonely or more worthy. Focus on yourself, on things that make you happy. Else, you’ll end up attracting someone who’s equally needy or insecure.

You Think You Don’t Need To Change

If you have been single for a while, chances are you have your routine in place which makes your life as uncomplicated as possible and chances also are that you really are not keen to upset your current weekend scene. If you don’t see yourself giving up your weekend routines or feel resentful about making adjustments then perhaps you aren’t quite ready to have a serious relationship. Expecting a potential partner to make all the adjustments and expecting them to fit in your current life is unfair. Maybe for a while, you should stick to your convenient routine life. Relationships require work, which can bring upon inconveniences, you need to ask yourself, how inconvenient you are willing to be in order to be in a relationship.

You’re Looking For Someone Different From Your Ex

While on the surface it’s a good thing. Hopefully, you’ve learnt lessons which you shouldn’t repeat. Rather than focus on what you don’t want, focus on being the person you would like to be with. We mirror each other in relationships. Our job is not to change our partners in our relationship. And neither should be expect our partner to bring about some magical change in us. If you have an ugly temper, you can’t lamely say, “because you bring out the worst in me”. Be accountable for how you feel.

You’re Using It As A Filler

Maybe you’ve just gotten over a divorce or volatile relationship and your current job is stagnant – you feel stuck in life. If you find yourself being on the hunt every weekend trying to score and make yourself feel better or distract yourself from the ache inside, you are definitely not ready for a committed relationship. Be willing to work through your mess and not pretend that there’s been no emotional damage. Don’t cover it with casual flings.

You Can’t Ever Admit You’re Wrong

Have you learnt any lessons from your previous broken relationships? Do you accept that there was truth in what your ex said? If however you have a really hard time apologising and give others a hard time when they do, you still have a lot to learn and evolve. Though, no one is ever right but you feel that you’ve been the victim all along or you are willing to sour things in your relationship over your ego, maybe you are better playing the weekend doing game. There’s no point having a relationship without a healthy foundation of understanding. And if you’re not willing to sort through your mess you’ll just have another bad relationship.

The change needs to begin with you.

There Are No Accidents In Choosing The People We Love….

As per the Buddhist teaching, “there are no coincidences in life. The people we choose as partners have a purpose in our life. Whether it is to make us grow in specific areas of our life or to support us in our journey, it depends on the kind of connect we have with them. The effects of our interaction contribute to the real connections between ourselves and others so that they are never lost. This is more than just what your actions affect the world that we live in and will rebound from that world. This is about the effects of actions determining the connections you will encounter throughout all life times in this or any other realm of existence”.

Is it coincidence that we meet someone just at the right time when the odds of it happening are a million to one? Are chances meetings or coincidences just a distraction, or are they an indication that the nature of reality is very different from the way we habitually regard it? Jung talked of this kind of phenomenon in terms of synchronicity. It seems to happen more and more as one embarks on a spiritual path. I noticed it happen in a subtle form in begining and gradually being more pronounced since I embarked on the path to awareness. Simple instances like, thinking about a certain friend who has been out of touch and getting a phone call from them or even bumping into them accidently. More significant have been with people who absolutely were not in touch for years but were there on my mind – suddenly reappear and pick the friendship from where it was left.

Sometimes, people come in our lives as catalysts, to shake us, to remind us that it’s not to late, to break through our stagnant life patterns and other times we need them to remind us and to hold space for us.

Ironically, we may not understand the purpose of every person we meet in this life… In some ways, we have to look at the world as a giant fabric of vibrant colours, like a weave running all through it — some threads being smooth and gentle, while other uneven burlap. Each weave depicts a different meeting that has happened or yet to happen.

Though, not all encounters are supposed to last forever; sometimes, those encounters happen momentarily.. Perhaps it was to delay you, so that a mishap could be avoided or maybe even to arrange a meeting for you with a potential lover. Sometimes, the Universe sends us people to help us on our journey, even if they aren’t meant to contribute much or be a significant part of it.

The purpose of a relationship is to have the courage to see ourselves as we are… see the warts, the fear, the brokenness and the courage in us, that we are otherwise unconscious of.

The purpose of a relationship is to get under our skin, infuriate, overjoy and destroy us, so we can understand what drives us mad, what overwhelms us, and where we need to give ourselves love….and if you have a partner who has the courage to help you grow and is supportive of you as an individual, not feeding on your insecurities but stands beside you while you come undone and holds that space for you while you put yourself together…you’re home.

The purpose of a relationship is not to fix us, or heal us, or to make us whole and happy, it is to show us where we need fixing, and what parts of us are still broken, and yes, it is also not about being mocked or ridiculed or being belittled about your brokenness….it’s about both the partners understanding that nobody can do this work, or make us happy but ourselves.

So, roll your sleeves and have the courage to hold the space for the one you love – maybe they will come undone not once but several times…and so will you…have the patience to know, we all are capable of healing and loving deeply, authentically – given the chance.

When You Abandon Life…..

I pray you’ll be our eyes and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to the place guide us with your grace

When stars go out each night, you are eternal star
Let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our day
How much faith there’s, Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day, Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe.
– (The Prayer )

The thing about untimely death is, it leaves you suspended. I seem to be losing people I love, cared for deeply – leave. Just like that. It’s as though my prayer list seems to be getting longer. I recently lost someone, who at one time was extended family. Time passed, alcohol managed to undo what years of caring could not hold. And just like that, in a small accident – he gave up on life…a life which I recall, being fulfilling, happy in spurts, but pulling along nonetheless. The thing with alcohol or any addiction is – it gnaws you till your bones – it leaves nothing. It can destroy you and the people involved if you haven’t soght professional help. More importantly, if, as a family you’ve not been strong together or not have been supported – it tears everyone up. A person with addiction requires a strong army of people who recognise that they have to stay committed for life to the person suffering. Everyone should be willing to chip in not letting just one person get crushed under the weight of being responsible. It may seem like a tall ask…but really it isn’t.

It left me wondering, does life abandon us…or do we choose to abandon life? While, I love reading about people who survived against odds – rose from the ashes, fought against odds and got a grip of their lives…but I wonder about those who didn’t…does life give up on them? What happens when for the enth time you are knocked down and you don’t have the strength to lift your head? What happens when you know, that you are deeply addicted and people around you are sick of helping you..are generally sick of you? Besides being shamed, how many people come forward and help?

Yes, somewhere, you do abandon yourself.

Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important. You are not valued.” This is the pain from which people need to heal. I don’t have the answers, but, I do know that, life cannot choose to abandon you since you are life in itself. Yes, the person suffering has to recognise and be willing to accept that space of acceptance…which can only happen with time.

There are some of us who need compassion and understanding more than the rest. If we can have the courage to keep shame aside and seek help, maybe there will be less broken people in this world.

May we all have timely wisdom to recognise this.

July Full Moon In Capricorn : Power Struggles & Transformation

July full moon in Capricorn will highlights power struggles in relationships. Like the cardinal cross tussel, you can expect different areas of your life at polarities with each other. The time you spend at work versus the time you spend at home. Your heart versus your head. Try and keep your ego in check. Over analysing situations, working yourself up to an emotional mess are to watch out for. Like all full moon’s this moon too, is a a powerhouse of building up on inner tensions which would demand a release.
Focus on channelising your energy for changing challenging situations in your life that may have formed a pattern. Waiting for the “right” time to change could be the biggest mistake you could be convincing yourself of. Use your inner strength to transform pain bodies in your life.

Depending on the placement of your chart where the full moon will be highlighting the specific area of your life, resist the urge to control the outcome of a certain situation.

In your relationships, if there has been disharmony or constant conflict, then maybe it’s a time to look at your own conditioning closely. Try not to hang on to people from the past or your previous relationships either with a sense of regret or guilt. Rather than be overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness, allow awareness to come in and let balance prevail. Some of you may feel manipulated, controlled or find people close to you guilt tripping and blaming you for it. Use this time to surround yourself with positive influences, nurture yourself, take time to meditate.

Since the July full moon is in Capricorn, which is only a degree away from Pluto,the planet of unearthing deeper feelings and intensity and often transforms only through destruction and renewal. This is as powerful as a full moon can get. Emotions are already high at a full moon but now they become all-powerful, all-consuming.

Try not to be come obsessed with how you are feeling. However, some of you may have powerful dreams – keep a journal at hand. Your intuitions could be right but your judgment could be impaired.

Change is imperative, whether you seek it or it’s forced upon you. The goal is to transform your patterns and not be resistant.

Allow your soul to grow so you may lead a better, aware life.

June Full Moon In Sagittarius: Heal and Transform Yourself

The June Full Moon is one of the most potent in 2017. It falls in  Sagittarius, bringing issues like freedom, transformation and finally optimism to surface.

Jupiter is the supreme god of the Roman pantheon, called  “shining father”. He is a god of light and sky, and protector of the state and its laws. Be it political situations which have been unjust or relationships which have been unequal, Jupiter will force justice and a sense of fair play. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter or as per the Greek mythology  Zeus.  He is a son of Saturn and brother of Neptune and Juno (who is also his wife).  He does not tolerate manipulation. 

The Sagittarius energy is giving  and expansive and whenever the Full Moon is in Sagittarius it tends to expand or amplify our personal emotions and situations forcing us to deal with them and bring about change so a balance may be maintained. This full moon expect your relationships to be up for investigation and review. Things which have not worked so far, will have to transform.

With the Venus retrograde squaring Saturn retrograde for most of May 2017 has already placed a lot of strain on love relationships and on personal finances resulting in power struggles. The previous new moon in may brought about some amount of heartache or unexpected events  related to your money or personal life.

It is not all bleak and grey, for post the Full Moon, you will have clarity about which part of your love life you need to change or maybe in some dire cases, even let go. It’s as though the full moon will shine a torch at the dark areas where changes or adjustments need to be made. Post the full, there will be a sense of peace and release. A fragile relationship might break, there could a sense of betrayal or disrespect  and a  healthy one may experience some uncomfortable moments but continue to evolve. Try not to reach out to ex’s during this time or even start a new relationship quickly. Your sense of self could feel challenged, keep yourself away from taking drastic actions, even though temporarily, they might feel good.

https://youtu.be/b2o0HDnG3Fw

The June Full Moon will fill our lives with hope, courage and maybe a direction we have not explored earlier. While the focus is on transformation, it is also about new beginnings. It’s time to clear the baggage from past, release the old hurts and look at our scars gently, be proud of the journey you have undertaken so far, celebrate yourself, so you can welcome a wonderful tomorrow.

 

3 Signs You Are In A Co Dependent Relationship

Research defines codependency as a behavioural pattern in which you constantly seek approval or validation for your self esteem and identity. It can prevent you from having a healthy relationship and one in which you are constantly seeking the other persons attention and an inability to individually emotionally feel for yourself. Codependent people tend to display almost addictive behaviour which can turn into emotionally destructive behaviours.

It is true, relationships can be a boon or a challenge in our daily lives, depending on the kind of  partners we subconsciously choose or attract. From a soul growth perspective, we are drawn to people who may either activate our dormant triggers allowing us to work in areas of life which need healing or partners who collaborate with us on a soul level and become our cheer leaders while together we do the soul dance.

Codependency is easy to fall into, especially if you have had a childhood deprived of emotional support or any form of neglect in the childhood in which either you were left to fend for yourself or your emotional needs were brushed aside, making you crave for approval or trying to get love from people who could generally be difficult or avoidant of your emotional needs.   The dysfunction is so subtle, that initially in a relationship a partner who is being subjected to it, may feel flattered and wanted. But, once the charm dies the neediness can grate making the pull and push of the relationship incredibly painful to deal with on a daily basis.

  • You feel confined: Since the time you have been in the relationship, you have had to give up on your friends, there are no more “hanging out with the buddies” nights. You feel guilty about spending time with your friends fearing your partner may not like it. It could be that few of your good friends could be of the opposite sex and you may resent you having to give explanations to your partner. Relationships are not prison terms, if you feel restricted chances are it’s not a healthy relationship.
  • You can’t imagine a life without your partner: Yes, it’s cute and romantic doing things together, but if you don’t have a life of your own and depend upon your partner for creating  happiness or a sense of purpose in your life, you can wave your relationship a goodbye.
  • You give and give and then simmer in silent anger:  You mother your partner to a point that they start ignoring your needs. In a healthy relationship, there is give and take and mutual respect. You have to practice taking care of your needs instead of complain or feel let down when your partner refuses to do that for you. Rather than remind your partner or make them count the number of things you do for them, maybe you need to step out of the parenting relationship and take care of your inner self. If something does not feel right, have the courage to say it upfront and not let it fester like an infected wound. Face the fights and arguments and practice standing up for yourself. Either your relationship will evolve and change or you will have clarity in which direction to move.

Being a helpless spectator in your relationship is no fun. The truth is, no one can make us feel better about ourselves. This is self work. Yes, if you manage to find a secure partner who is willing to roll their sleeves and hold your hand while you do the work – it’s wonderful.

Love is being free while being together, its not living in fear or behaving in a scripted way.

 

The Truth About Vulnerability

\ vul•ner•a•ble: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or being open to attack or damage. \

The bitter truth about being vulnerable is: it’s misunderstood. Remember the times, you were asked to get your sh*t together, get a grip of your life and reminded how old you were etc etc…

Being vulnerable is a strength few people understand and accept. Those who get overwhelmed by it look at it as a weakness, repulsed or embarrassed by the emotions they witness.

The truth is courage and vulnerability go hand in hand. Each cannot exist without the other.

However, do be careful as to who you share it with. People are often not comfortable dealing with complex emotions and instead of feeling supported,  you may end up feeling guilty about your feelings or develop feelings of shame or low self esteem.  You are also not a nut job if you share  your insecurities or sadness … all you are doing is looking for empathy and love.

According to Dr. Brown, disengagement is the most dangerous factor that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to avoid this is to risk being vulnerable with your partner by asking for help, standing up for yourself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in yourself and your partner.

I am a big believer of therapy. If your partner is closed to your vulnerability, seek a therapist. Get counselling done. We all need a hand to hold in our moments of darkness and there is no glory in suffering alone.

Take care of yourself , be courageous, be accountable for your own inner well being. And stop apologising for yourself.

Being Ruled The By Moon: Emotional Balance & Happiness

“She sings as the moon sings:
‘I am I, am I;
The greater grows my light
The further that I fly.’
All creation shivers
With that sweet cry.” –  W. B. Yeats

We often find some people literally wax and wan with the moon eclipses.  Moon, in astrology, is the ruler of zodiac Cancer. It speaks about our subconscious, things that move us and our personal desires. While on the one hand Sun reason represents our deepest personal needs, our basic habits and reactions, and our unconscious.

Where the Sun acts, the Moon reacts. Our sense of security, what anchors us, what moves us can be defined by where the Moon is placed in our charts. People with a strong moon placement come across as over emotional. This is more apparent,  if they are ruled by any of the water signs, Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces.

Rather than fight the tide which Moon brings upon, it’s important to focus on what is the message  of the Moon. Full moon can make you over emotional, especially if you are trying to suppress something that does not feel right. Listen to what your intuition is saying, listen to your body, your gut….what do you feel inside? This does not mean that if you are constantly feeling negative about others you should carry on doing so…maybe you are giving energy to things/people while you should be focussing on yourself.

For some of us, our Moons seem to drive our personalities more than any other planet or mainly Sun. For your peace of mind and happiness, not to indulge the effect of moon in your life beyond a point.

I’ve focused so far on negative emotions, but people often don’t trust their positive emotions, either, feeling that if they get too happy, some negative force is sure to be attracted to their good vibrations and attempt to ruin them. This may be called ” nothing good ever lasts,” “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, or “they’re just waiting for me to let down my guard before they strike.”

 Grant Lewi, in Astrology for the Millions, offered the most evocative description of the Moon, “When you “know what you mean but you can’t say it,” it is your Moon that knows it and your Sun that can’t say it. “Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears” are the thoughts of your Moon’s nature. The wordless ecstasy, the mute sorrow, the secret dream, the esoteric picture of yourself that you can’t get across to the world, or which the world doesn’t comprehend or value – these are the products of the Moon in your horoscope. When you are misunderstood, it is your Moon nature, expressed imperfectly through the Sun sign, that you feel is betrayed. When you know what you ought to do, but can’t find the right way to do it, it is your Moon that knows and your Sun that refuses to react in harmony. Also, when you “don’t know why I said that,” it was your Moon expressing despite your Sun (if you are innerly satisfied with the involuntary speech), or the Sun expressing against the will of the Moon (if you are displeased with what has slipped out). Things you know without thought – intuitions, hunches, instincts – are the products of the Moon. Modes of expression that you feel are truly your deepest self belong to the Moon: art, letters, creative work of any kind; sometimes love; sometimes business. Whatever you feel is most deeply yourself, whether or not you are able to do anything about it in the outer world, is the product of your Moon and of the sign your Moon occupies at birth.”

Pet Therapy And Your Emotional Health

Those of us who own pets know they make us happy. And thankfully, a growing body of scientific research is showing that our pets are good for our emotional well being.

I have forever had a dog and despite the inevitable heart break, this has been an never ending love affair. Whether you are dealing with depression or anxiety, pets have a way of calming you down. One study even indicates that when people with borderline hypertension adopted dogs from a shelter, their blood pressure declined significantly within five months.

Research also indicates, when dealing with stressful situations at work or home  playing with your pet can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine, which calm and relax. Research indicates, pet owners have lower triglyceride and cholesterol levels (indicators of heart disease) than those without pets.

Besides your emotional well being, they also take care of your physical well being. They get you going, allowing you to blow off pent up stress and relax, distracting you from situations/ things you could be battling with and forcing you to be in the present.

While, pets are miracle mood enhancers, do ensure that you are taking care of them and not just using them to entertain you temporarily and then abandon them. Don’t scream/ shout at them, pets especially dogs are hyper sensitive about our moods. It’s like having a child at home. Imagine the emotional trauma you could cause to a being who is voiceless and unable to express his anxiety. In fact, pets can teach you emotional discipline with their unconditional love. If you see you dog hiding behind couches or going in another room and hiding – it’s a sure red flag for you not to have a pet.

Every time you walk through your door they will be as enthusiastic as they were when you first got them. Caring for your pets is extremely rewarding for your emotional health. With growing children in the house, pets can encourage expressing love, being responsible and being a kind human – which goes a long way in bringing up emotionally healthy adults.

Try and get a pet from the shelter, they make excellent companions. They teach you that though life is short, all you can do is love unconditionally and be grateful.

Friends With Benefits: The Body Has A memory

To begin with, I have no moral high ground on friends being with benefits, but the recent number of times I have been counselling people who are in one, has made me explore this better. On the surface, it’s a fairly harmless arrangement, which tries to ease off the pressure in relationships – or this is what is assumed while beginning one. No complications, no answerability.

While, it’s understandable for the sexual part of a new friend with benefit relationship to fall into, but let’s look at the “friends” bit. We define a friend as someone we trust and who trusts us back, the relationship which is built on shared interests, experiences etc. Unless, it happens organically, an arrangement which is solely intended to be just a FBW from the begining in itself is misleading with a label that does not justify. Friendships take time to cultivate, and require emotional investment. While we may shy away from calling things black and white, thereby creating a sense of ambiguity, we’re soon heading towards a society that is comfortable in living in grey areas. Things that we know for what they are, but our fear of being tolerant or acceptance can be questioned, keeps us safe in the grey shadows.

While, greyness may work and even apply in certain aspects of life, but the lack of surety or living in uncertainty has started eroding into the relationships, causing serious damage.

The confusion that gets experienced in the ambiguity of trusting friends with whom a physical relationship is shared with, which has no direction, could leave you broken and emotionally messed up. We tend to underestimate the power our physical being has over our emotional. Our physical bodies have a memory. Whether you are hugging or kissing, there’s a chemical release which makes us bond or feel connected to that person. The mind could be telling a different story that this is just temporary, but your emotions and your body will tell you another.

Any relationship needs communication and a healthy respect for each other. Moving in and out of relationships which have no boundaries or no direction, tend you leave you exactly there – directionless and breed insecurity. You can be with each other one day and be free to sext or date anyone else tomorrow. There are no rules. Even if it’s at the cost of a benefit, you have to remember you are friends first, people whom you care for and are comfortable with. The worry lies in the fact, that such relationships can seldom turn into healthy ones. One of the partners may soon feel more and potentially feel strung along. They may just physically hold on to the relationship for the sake of it carrying on and start hoping the great sex may lead to a committed relationship.

It is rare, to find two emotionally secure individuals who are happy within themselves and not want more out of the other. They will understand boundaries…but then such individuals will seldom be in FWB situation. So you are back in the greyness and ambiguity which no one wants to define. Either, for the fear of losing what they have, or what potentially it could turn into.

Be brave, be accountable for your relationships. Let them be few. If you can’t bring yourself to commit, choose to be alone. Understand yourself better.. what you can give and what you can’t.

Options will always be there, choose wisely. Invest time and emotions in creating something wonderful. Having one foot out of the door – will always leave you there.